2018 has definitely been one of the years that really hit me hard. 

I went through a whirlwind of emotions - ranging from pure euphoric happiness to the lowest depths of depression; and I can honestly say there's no way I'm ever really going to forget this year because I was blessed with so many life lessons; even if I had to go through the worst to finally understand and come to terms with them. 

January up to the middle of August were the most beautiful months to me. They were filled with so much love, friendship, laughter and silly shenanigans. If I could describe how I felt during those months with a song, it would definitely be Youth by Troye Sivan. I'm not going to lie - there were some days where it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows; but they were nothing compared to how I would feel later on in the year, plus all the good things that happened in that period of time outweigh the bad. 

To name a few, there was the dinner party at my house that I would say really was the highlight of my year because it was the just the most comforting thing ever; looking around at the smiling faces of the people that I know like the back of my hand and trust, who have been through so much with me, it was such a beautiful sight to behold and thinking about it just fills my heart with so much love. 

-

The months of September to December were when things really started to go downhill. 

So many new things were just thrown my way, and I was trying my best to adapt to these changes. 

So many emotions were at play and it was just so overwhelming that I just crashed. 

I told myself constantly that I was such a debby downer and no one actually wanted to talk to me because all I did was exert negative energy; I also felt like I was the most annoying person in the world and this soon led me to spiral down a rabbit hole where I genuinely did not want to talk to anybody. The thought of talking to people literally made me feel physically sick and so I kept to myself most of the time; and it was crazy because people kept telling me that "this" wasn't me - and that made me feel even more shitty because I thought to myself; 

"What if this really is who I am?"  - what do I do then? 

Looking back in retrospect - I probably was going through the very rough transition into adulthood. Reality was being thrown straight into my face without any warning and I had no idea how to tackle it. It was as if I had been snapped out of a delusion I had made myself live through for years, and suddenly I didn't know what to do with all this new information that surrounded me. I was literally drowning in my own thoughts; which made things a billion times worse. It made me approach people differently; it made me create a thousand different horrible scenarios that just made me anxious and paranoid; it ruined my relationship with some people; it was eating me alive. 

Bambi by Hippo Campus perfectly embodies what I was going through at that time. 

So how did I pull myself out of that mess? 

I honestly don't know.

I just got sick and tired of feeling that way; I missed being care free and I started longing for the person I used to be. I told myself I needed to make some changes around me - that weren't necessarily easy, but I distracted myself with the prospects of the future; I obtained my happiness by distracting myself, which isn't really the greatest approach; but sooner or later I genuinely started believing what I told myself; and what I told myself consisted of so many positive remarks and reminders of all the little things I really do appreciate. I just wanted to become the best version of myself - and I still do, and I'm bringing that beautiful mindset with me into 2019. 

-

Of course to get into this state of mind, I had to make a few sacrifices and I'm sorry about that.

To : Gumball 

Sweetheart, 

I really am sorry things had to end the way that they did, but that's probably the way it had to happen for me to really stick to my word. You probably think I'm crazy and you probably never want to talk to me again; and to be totally honest I don't blame you. I really was toxic for you - and I'm sorry for all the times I've ever made you feel like shit or if I've ever made you question how much of a good person you really are, no one should ever have to make you feel that way and I truly am sorry that I was the one who did when I was the one person who should have understood where you were coming from the most. 

You are a good person. You have the sweetest heart - don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. 

We could have been the bestest of friends, really, and I'm sorry that I messed it up for us - but I can't change how I feel just like you can't change how you feel and as long as that's a thing, we're always going to butt heads. It's the bittersweet reality of us both wanting different things. 

I also wanted to say that I was a sore loser that day, and all those things I said were stemmed from a place of pain, so don't take it to heart. 

I'm sorry that I suffocated you, truly I am. If I could describe our relationship it would be Why Even Try by Hippo Campus, we were stuck in a cycle and there was nothing I could do but break it. 

I am a lot happier now though, and I hope you are too. You truly were a blessing in my life, and I mean it. I've learned a lot from our relationship, and it's really helped me on my journey towards growing into a better person;

so thank you. 

I really hope one day when we're both better people we'll have a chance to reconnect, because I'd love that. 

It's not going to be any time soon though, but maybe one day. I know the chances of you reading this are non existent, but I'd like to think that this got to you somehow. 

happy new years dork 

x

-

So 2019, I'm ready for you. 

I understand now that I can't control how things end up, no matter how hard I try; 

Change over time is something that happens - and I'll just have to accept whatever comes my way. 

here's to the journey that will hopefully be filled with light and love, 

cheers! 

- n.r