Dec 8th

i am mourning the death of us. 
the finality of our words hang in the air and suffocate me - it only took around 10 minutes for two years to end.

i have not eaten for three days straight and my cheeks bear the marks of clockwork tears that trickle downwards; my throat is sore from all the cries that i have both tried to suppress as well as choke out.

never in my life have i experienced such intense waves of anguish, pain and loss.

i feel as if a piece of me has literally died. i invested so much of myself into us that when this ended - i did die.

so let me rephrase that,

i mourn the death of myself.

she should have never had to go through what she did and i am SO sorry that i did that to her.

i am sorry that she had to die because of my stubbornness, that she had to feel all that anguish and disappointment at full wrath. that she had to carry all that weight on her shoulders for years - until it eventually destroyed her.

her death will not end in vain. 
i will never let myself go through this again.
i am going to stop investing so much of myself into others - because if they are good for me, they would meet me halfway.

the only person i should have been prioritizing all this time was myself, an that's what i am going to do from now on.

-

 from pain comes growth. 
 from mistakes come lessons.
 from death comes life

so no, i thank you.
i thank you for proving that i can love a single person whole heartedly,
i thank you for proving that i can endure much more than i believe i could,
i thank you for being one of my many blessings in life.

our end was clouded with an abundance of negativity, but i have not forgotten all the light and love that came before that.

i will never forget.

if i have ever have hurt you, or caused you pain or inconvenience in any way, i am sincerely sorry.
i am sorry for my selfishness,

but at the end of the day, i am all i have.


-


. nr