?
9/18/2016
It’s funny
how your perception of someone can
just erratically change within
seconds.
-
It’s almost
fluid in the way it occurs – as your mind shifts from one view to another. It’s just something you can’t avoid sometimes,
even though you try your best to stay neutral. Once you see someone bathed in a
new light, it’s hard to turn back.
Thus you ask
yourself questions;
“How did I
miss this?”
“Was it that
obvious to everyone but me?”
“Who IS this person?”
“Where did I go wrong?”
It’s just a
flurry of a million parasitic questions that seem to gnaw their way into your
mind, body and soul - the fact that you could misjudge a person so badly. Although
just like everything in life, it could go either way. You could see someone in
a positive or negative light.
-
I don’t need
to tell you how horrible it feels to see someone in a new negative light. It
just makes you wonder how you could have overlooked this person, and allow yourself to be lied to. It’s just not a great feeling.
Recently – a
situation happened to me where I had no choice but to accept that the person
who I cared for was not who I thought they were. I am not writing this post to
bash this person or express any ill feeling towards them – but I just want to
lay down how I feel, or should I say felt?
-
-
The feeling
that first hit when it dawned on me that you weren’t who I thought you were -
was disbelief. I mean, it couldn’t be,
you were you. My eyes used to instantly
light up when I saw you, never would I have thought that there would be a day where
they would be reduced to nothing but a dull dying ember. The feeling that hit
next was so prominent; it knocked the wind out of me.
Betrayal.
It was so raw, that it seemed to seep into my bones.
It was so bitter.
The way you
acted after, was another blow. It just showed that I meant nothing. Everything was built upon a fake foundation.
Nothing was
real, and that hurt.
I guaranteed
that things would be okay at some point, but after some thought, how could I
have said that? By saying that, I reassured you that what you did was okay, that I would just shrug this off
and put a blindfold back on again. I don’t think it will ever be okay.
I did mean
it when I said I didn’t hate you though. I don’t hate you.
I would just be wasting my time.
-
All that said,
this person was someone I really
cared about. Although the conversations we had weren’t real, at some point in my life they were. Everything I said was sincere.
I don’t regret anything I’ve said, because all I wanted was for you to be happy. And I still do. It kills me that I can't be there for you, honestly, but at the same time, when I think back on the situation I can't help but get angry and those thoughts disappear. Let's not ponder on that though.
All those words I shared are yours to keep. All those actual conversations we exchanged were nice.
It’s a shame
really, because it didn’t have to be this way. You and I both know that. I
wish it wasn’t this way, but it is.
Are you lonesome tonight?
Do you miss me tonight?
Are you sorry we drifted apart?
If you ever read this, I wish you
all the best in life.
-
I end this post, with
Goats In Trees by Foster The People.
At some point, this song just pin-pointed how I felt.
- NR