7/28/2019

( I Can't Make You Love Me - Bon Iver )

I'd like to believe that everything is okay now.

I don't cry or bawl my eyes out every time the thought of you randomly crosses my mind; sure there is the occasional pang of sadness, but it's nothing I can't handle.

Looking back at things, I can't help but wonder if the past two years were nothing but an illusion.

You were my everything. My whole world revolved around you;

but I can't seem to find anything tangible to link you back to anything. I look through my gallery and there are thousands of moments I have captured with the people I love, but hardly any with you in it. I barely even have a handful of photos with you or of you. Did you even exist? You were such a prominent person in my life but there's just ... nothing left of you around.

We are total strangers and it's so weird - the longest we used to go without talking before things started getting messy was at least max a week; but I guess it's something that people have to go through in this lifetime. I really thought that you were the love of my life, for real; and I always thought that term should be reserved solely for one person and it always bugged me when people threw it around, every time they dated someone new they'd be like "oh it's the loml" and I'd be like dude???? but then I realized that you can have multiple people who you consider the love of your life; we are not bound to love only one person in our lifetime.

Love is fleeting as it is eternal; every time you meet a soul who makes you feel everything and anything the world could make you feel then fuck it ! call them whatever you want.

update (28/7/2019)

Now that I think about it - I guess our texts could be considered tangible evidence and to be honest; they're all I have left of you.

2018

1/01/2019

( Home (RAC MIX) - Edward Sharpe &The Magnetic Zeros )

2018 has definitely been one of the years that really hit me hard.

I went through a whirlwind of emotions - ranging from pure euphoric happiness to the lowest depths of depression; and I can honestly say there's no way I'm ever really going to forget this year because I was blessed with so many life lessons; even if I had to go through the worst to finally understand and come to terms with them.

January up to the middle of August were the most beautiful months to me. They were filled with so much love, friendship, laughter and silly shenanigans. If I could describe how I felt during those months with a song, it would definitely be Youth by Troye Sivan. I'm not going to lie - there were some days where it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows; but they were nothing compared to how I would feel later on in the year, plus all the good things that happened in that period of time outweigh the bad.

To name a few, there was the dinner party at my house that I would say really was the highlight of my year because it was the just the most comforting thing ever; looking around at the smiling faces of the people that I know like the back of my hand and trust, who have been through so much with me, it was such a beautiful sight to behold and thinking about it just fills my heart with so much love.

A Peculiar Bond

It isn't the red ribbon that binds us together,
The root that unifies us all, does not derive
from a tree on the wall.

This bond knows no genetics.

Friendship is a peculiar seed,
No matter the season, the weather,
nor the time of day.

When planted on a nourishing soul,
it will always bear fruit.
- Clairel Estevez

-

The months of September to December were when things really started to go downhill.

So many new things were just thrown my way, and I was trying my best to adapt to these changes.

So many emotions were at play and it was just so overwhelming that I just crashed.

I told myself constantly that I was such a debby downer and no one actually wanted to talk to me because all I did was exert negative energy; I also felt like I was the most annoying person in the world and this soon led me to spiral down a rabbit hole where I genuinely did not want to talk to anybody. The thought of talking to people literally made me feel physically sick and so I kept to myself most of the time; and it was crazy because people kept telling me that "this" wasn't me - and that made me feel even more shitty because I thought to myself;

"What if this really is who I am?" - what do I do then?

Looking back in retrospect - I probably was going through the very rough transition into adulthood. Reality was being thrown straight into my face without any warning and I had no idea how to tackle it. It was as if I had been snapped out of a delusion I had made myself live through for years, and suddenly I didn't know what to do with all this new information that surrounded me. I was literally drowning in my own thoughts; which made things a billion times worse. It made me approach people differently; it made me create a thousand different horrible scenarios that just made me anxious and paranoid; it ruined my relationship with some people; it was eating me alive.

Bambi by Hippo Campus perfectly embodies what I was going through at that time.

So how did I pull myself out of that mess?

I honestly don't know.

I just got sick and tired of feeling that way; I missed being care free and I started longing for the person I used to be. I told myself I needed to make some changes around me - that weren't necessarily easy, but I distracted myself with the prospects of the future; I obtained my happiness by distracting myself, which isn't really the greatest approach; but sooner or later I genuinely started believing what I told myself; and what I told myself consisted of so many positive remarks and reminders of all the little things I really do appreciate. I just wanted to become the best version of myself - and I still do, and I'm bringing that beautiful mindset with me into 2019.

Of course to get into this state of mind, I had to make a few sacrifices and I'm sorry about that.

To : Gumball

Sweetheart,

I really am sorry things had to end the way that they did, but that's probably the way it had to happen for me to really stick to my word. You probably think I'm crazy and you probably never want to talk to me again; and to be totally honest I don't blame you. I really was toxic for you - and I'm sorry for all the times I've ever made you feel like shit or if I've ever made you question how much of a good person you really are, no one should ever have to make you feel that way and I truly am sorry that I was the one who did when I was the one person who should have understood where you were coming from the most.

You are a good person. You have the sweetest heart - don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

We could have been the bestest of friends, really, and I'm sorry that I messed it up for us - but I can't change how I feel just like you can't change how you feel and as long as that's a thing, we're always going to butt heads. It's the bittersweet reality of us both wanting different things.

I also wanted to say that I was a sore loser that day, and all those things I said were stemmed from a place of pain, so don't take it to heart.

I'm sorry that I suffocated you, truly I am. If I could describe our relationship it would be Why Even Try by Hippo Campus, we were stuck in a cycle and there was nothing I could do but break it.

I am a lot happier now though, and I hope you are too. You truly were a blessing in my life, and I mean it. I've learned a lot from our relationship, and it's really helped me on my journey towards growing into a better person;

so thank you.

I really hope one day when we're both better people we'll have a chance to reconnect, because I'd love that.

It's not going to be any time soon though, but maybe one day. I know the chances of you reading this are non existent, but I'd like to think that this got to you somehow.

happy new years dork

So 2019, I'm ready for you.

I understand now that I can't control how things end up, no matter how hard I try;

Change over time is something that happens - and I'll just have to accept whatever comes my way.

here's to the journey that will hopefully be filled with light and love,

cheers!

- n.r

journal entry #2

12/13/2018

Dec 14th

( East Chicago, IN - Michigander )

it's peaceful to write down my thoughts late at night.
it feels like it's me against the world - because in my small little bubble; i'm the only one who's awake.

we used to stay up late and talk at the oddest hours. i found comfort in the fact that i knew you would be awake around this hour just because you either couldn’t go back to sleep or that you couldn’t even fall asleep in the first place. one of the first times i realised i loved you was when i had a really bad nightmare; and the first person on my mind that i wanted to talk to when i woke up was you - and i did, even though you replied me in the morning, but you tried your best to comfort me and it worked and all i could think about was goSh is my heart soft for this boy.

i miss those moments more than i miss you.

-

i’ve started my first day towards becoming the best version of myself that i can be. i forgot how good it feels after working out. i also managed to get tickets to see the 1975 next year!

my heart, soul, mind and body are ready to take whatever comes our way next year! i hope it’s filled with positive energy.

-n.r

journal entry #1

12/08/2018

Dec 8th

i am mourning the death of us.
the finality of our words hang in the air and suffocate me - it only took around 10 minutes for two years to end.

i have not eaten for three days straight and my cheeks bear the marks of clockwork tears that trickle downwards; my throat is sore from all the cries that i have both tried to suppress as well as choke out.

never in my life have i experienced such intense waves of anguish, pain and loss.

i feel as if a piece of me has literally died. i invested so much of myself into us that when this ended - i did die.

so let me rephrase that,

i mourn the death of myself.

she should have never had to go through what she did and i am SO sorry that i did that to her.

i am sorry that she had to die because of my stubbornness, that she had to feel all that anguish and disappointment at full wrath. that she had to carry all that weight on her shoulders for years - until it eventually destroyed her.

her death will not end in vain.
i will never let myself go through this again.
i am going to stop investing so much of myself into others - because if they are good for me, they would meet me halfway.

the only person i should have been prioritizing all this time was myself, an that's what i am going to do from now on.

-

from pain comes growth.
from mistakes come lessons.
from death comes life

so no, i thank you.
i thank you for proving that i can love a single person whole heartedly,
i thank you for proving that i can endure much more than i believe i could,
i thank you for being one of my many blessings in life.

our end was clouded with an abundance of negativity, but i have not forgotten all the light and love that came before that.

i will never forget.

if i have ever have hurt you, or caused you pain or inconvenience in any way, i am sincerely sorry.
i am sorry for my selfishness,

but at the end of the day, i am all i have.

-

. nr

i love you and i'm sorry.

10/08/2018

i'm sorry.

I could apologize a million times - and it would never be enough. I know you're tired of apologies, and I am too, but they just seem to spill out of my mouth and I cant stop them from falling.

I didn't want us to end like this; I never even wanted "us" to end. I never wanted to do this to you. I believed so much with all my heart that I would be that one person who would never give up on you because

I believed in us.
I believed in you.
I believed in me.

and it hurts me so much to say this, but I just can't do this anymore. I'm so sorry I couldn't be that person. I'm so sorry I failed in that area. I'm so sorry.

I love you so much - and that will never change. My choice does not change this fact - please know that. I am just so tired.

You are my first love. My best friend. My everything.

This decision is one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do in my life so far, but I need to do this for myself.

It's time to let go.

I'm not in the greatest state of mind right now - and let's be real, we're so toxic for each other in our current state. We both want different things. We both still have a lot of self growth to do. We are stuck in a cycle that never seems to end and my heart just can't handle going back to square one all over again. I am tired and I know you are too.

So I'm doing this because I need to love myself first.

Call me selfish, call this unfair, call it whatever you want. I'll take the blow. I'll take everything you throw at me - I'm sorry but this has to happen. For me. For you. For us.

I want to be happy too.

I can't make any promises about the future - maybe we'll find our way back to each other, maybe we wont.

Either way - thank you for these 2 years.

We've been through A LOT together and that's never going to change. 2 and a half years worth of lame jokes, basketball games, late night talks, birthdays, crappy freestyle rapping, mix tapes, social justice warriors, polaroids and so much more will forever have a special place in my heart.

I am genuinely glad that you're the happiest I've ever seen you be - and I hope your happiness never ends, that's all I could ever ask for.

-

I love you,

goodbye dork.

too much?

3/19/2018

from the moment i wake up

to the moment i fall asleep

i tell myself that

i think too much

that i do too much

that i care too much

for people

who

care

too little

but that fact

still

does not

stop me

from

being

too much

I am guilty for ignoring red flags when it comes to giving "too much" of myself - whether it be my time, money or even my thoughts.

Why is that?

Could the roots of this lovely lovely lovely quirk in my personality stem from the cliché of family issues and suppressed overborne insecurities? Who knows - I'd like to think it's just because I am such a nice person. In fact - I don't think me doing 'too much' is going to hurt anybody, except oh! maybe myself? I take full responsibility for that.

My friends always nag at me for treating some people better than they deserve to be treated - and I understand that, most of the time they really don't deserve anything from me, but I can't help but always have this underlying feeling of faith.

Faith in change.

The amount of faith I have in people is ridiculous - even I know that it's dumb.

Faith in change is probably the main reason why I can't seem give up - even when it's blatantly clear that I should. People just need someone with a little faith in them - and I'd be happy to be that person, although when it really gets too far I know when to draw the line.

What can I say? I'm a sweetheart - or an idiot, there's a fine line between those two when it comes to me.

What is the point of this post you ask?

I have absolutely no idea! I feel like it's all over the place - but I guess I just had things on my mind and it's been a while since I wrote anything down.

At the end of the day - I know that giving too much of myself away isn't healthy, but it also makes me happy. I like making someone feel like they're worth something - and maybe in some cases some people take advantage of that and it goes straight to their head, but at the end of the day I'm not the one who's an asshole HAHHAHAHA

Although, I am the one who gets absolutely butt hurt and sobs like a little bitch when I realize that my friends were right (not that I ever doubted them) and that I absolutely wasted my time when I could have invested it in something else !! but once again, I'd take full responsibility for my choices.

Ok bye - I may be 4 years older than when I started this blog, but I'm still as dumb!!

- NR

whoopah

12/31/2017

Yes, I am going to deliver my over used and clichéd opening line (again) :

"Another year has passed"

and I'm not going to lie friends, this one was a bit anti climatic. All I did was focus on my education, I mean - I didn't have time for anything else. Even my sense of humor became dry as shit so I sure as hell did not have time for any emotional or philosophical revelation that I always seem conjure at the end of every year.

This year sorta sucked ass - my skin broke out like a little bitch and my stupid ass cried over it because I've never ever broken out before, yet alone have more than one pimple popping up on my face!! It was a real blow to my self esteem and (at the time) my mental state as well, because I could always rely on my skin to stay clear and when that wasn't the case anymore I sorta lost it - because to me, it was the one thing in my life at that point where I felt like I had control over and when I suddenly didn't I just crashed into a deep pit of not okayness.

I sorta zoned everything else out even my friends, although there were some exceptions (a boy haha) (I'm sorry friends - never again) but I guess 2017 didn't totally suck.

I mean - I had the recital and other cool things going on but I think this month of December is icing on the cake, because I finally have time to relax and just do the things that I didn't have time for earlier in the year.

My skin is also clearing up- god bless, it's not at the stage where it was at it's peak - but it's getting there (hopefully).

Honestly - 2018 is the year where I focus on myself, for real this time. I don't think I've ever truly dedicated a year to myself - I've always had other things on my mind.

Well not anymore! 2018 is the year where I guess I have to grow up - I'll no longer have 'teen' at the back of my age and I have things like university applications and student loans to worry about ... I have a whole adult (ew) future to plan out.

But hey! I've already become snarkier and more sarcastic, so I'm halfway there.

Cheers!

Here's to a new year x

-NR

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Song Of The Year (2017)

Time's Been Reckless by Marika Hackman

This song kicks ass and makes me want to kick ass therefore it is the song I want to start 2018 with

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